Who Am I?

I just turned 36 a few days ago.  I was…still am… bound and determined to just let THIS be the year that everything will be different.  I had an awesome birthday weekend with my husband and my kids were safe and sound with friends.  So, how did I get here?  How did I get to the point that I am ready to just end everything… my life… my marriage… my family.?  It makes no sense.  I once was filled with so much joy, hope, and now it’s like I don’t even know what that means anymore.  I don’t know where to start to fix things.  How do I start over and be the girl I used to know?

6 years ago, but if I’m honest is was before that, our life as a family changed so drastically that we have yet to recover from it.  My grandma died, and we (being young and stupid) stepped up to help my uncle who had special needs.  That meant dropping literally everything in our life and moving into a house to take care of a 40-something man who had the mentality of a 5 year old.  That was the moment it all ended.  My hopes and dreams of living the life that I had always wanted.  The downward spiral that would eventually bring my marriage to a point of breaking… an affair.  I have always thought I was a strong Christian woman, trying to do everything right, but my husband strayed.  He found comfort in another woman.  Something I was unable to do.  I was overwhelmed with my responsibility at home with 3 young kids, a child in an adults body, and to top it all off I thought that doing day care would be even better.  So now I had added children under my care.  This was my dream… to be a stay at home mom… raising my kids the way we had talked about… earning money from home, but there was just too much all at once. I mean… it was just a recipe for disaster.

So here I am in the year 2017 and I’m now struggling with depression, bitterness, and unforgiveness.  I have this frustrating ability to not trust my husband even though he admitted to the affair, broke everything off with her, and has proved faithful to me ever since.  He has been honest, patient, fair and all I have done is throw it in his face to punish him.  The cycle never ends.  The shame that I feel for putting my husband through hell… it’s almost unbearable at times.  I have forgiven my husband but refuse to forgive myself for allowing him the choice, for allowing our marriage to get to this point of uncertainty.  I know I need to give it all to God, but why would He want to help me… someone who has messed up so many times?

How do you move past something that shriveled your soul?  Made a loving heart, ice cold?  I am slowly chipping the ice away but I feel like it’s not working. I pray, I read my Bible, I plead but I just can’t shake this demon that has haunted me for the past 8 years.  The regret that is piling on my shoulders is unfathomable at times.  It holds me captive and won’t let me go.  I miss who I used to be.  I say that a lot, but yet I refuse to change.  I stay in this destructive cycle.  Maybe I’m trying to punish myself for being a sucky wife.  It’s like my upper body is moving forward but my legs are stuck in cement.

I have to figure this out before I lose my husband, my family, the life I dreamt of for since I was a child…