The Hard Stuff

I think one of the things that I struggle with most “post-affair” is trying to figure out how to forgive and to trust.  It’s been 6 years for pete’s sake and I’m still stuck in the sludge of not being good enough.  No matter what I do or try I will never meet expectations.  There’s that stupid word I have come to hate… loathe entirely.  Expectations.  And then when I finally feel like I’ve met them, something else stands in my way.  I’m so OVER IT!

Fear cripples me daily.  I just can’t move on.  I have been plagued with severe anxiety and depression caused by my anxiety for the past 3 or 4 years.  It like I get an idea in my head and it won’t stop spinning until I get into a fight with my husband and then it’s like 10 times worse.  Cause now I’ve proved once again that I don’t know how to trust.  I don’t know how to be happy anymore.  He shows over and over again that I am the one he is choosing, but I’m struggling to believe it. How do I overcome this battle?

I’ve been to counseling and have worked through tons of crap on my end.  I’m tired of it.  Maybe I need to see if he’ll go with me so we can figure this thing called marriage out. I don’t know… Why can’t life just be easy for once?  My kids are old enough now that they sense something is not right between mom and dad. It breaks my heart.  One day we’ll be whole again, right?  Please tell me we will be… that’s all I want.  I want to be whole again with my husband… the one I pledged to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m ready to be off this nightmare roller-coaster.